#53 - Bloodshed

What is up people. I hope everyone is doing well.

It is Monday around 2 pm and I just got home from the gym. I had a great weekend filled with friends and fun. On Friday, I went to an Italian restaurant with friends and we balled out on some good food and wine, while having plenty laughs. On Saturday evening, I played Spike Ball at the park with another group of friends, then finished the night watching UFC fights, UFC 251 to be exact. Yesterday, I worked out with a good friend of mine, then attended a small party with another group of guys, one of whom was getting married a few hours after the party ended.

I did a lot of reflection over the weekend and came to think about how grateful I am for the people I have met over the years.

I struggle daily just as the rest of us. I have been sad lately and feelings of not being enough. I do not necessarily see myself working a “regular” job, if you will, and I’m starting to realize how hard and lonely the creative path can be.

Two conversations I had, one with my father, and one with a friend, both highlighted an idea of life. Sometimes life sucks and we deal with it the best we can.

Another thing I’m working on in my life is the belief in a higher power. I do believe there is a God and am putting my faith in that being.

My human brain feels like there is a man in the sky telling us what we should and shouldn’t be doing, while my being brain tells me there is an infinite and eternal force with no earthly bounds.

Do we feel the wrath of God? Do we pay for our mistakes in this life? Or are our faults eternal.

I’m not going to lie, I live a lot of my life without feeling. Most of my days are me doing things consistent with my routines, but when I do sit and feel, it is an immense feeling that usually ends with me in tears. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and other times it feels as if nothing matters.

Deep down I know our actions and beliefs do matter. These are the opposites that run through my head on a daily basis. There are times I feel loved by everyone and there are times I feel alone and so starved of love, I wonder what’d it be like if I was gone. There are many people who have died behind beliefs and I’ll be one of those people some day.

I don’t really know anything of world problems, but I know there are many and there is plenty of bloodshed to prove it.