#58 - Is There Something Wrong?

Hello everyone. It is Friday night, October 16th, and I just got home from a friends house. It was nice to catch up with some buddies and have a chill Friday night. I feel calm right now. I went to the gym tonight when I got off work to swim some laps and sit in the sauna for a while.

I did not look at any social media today because I deactivated my Facebook and Instagram this morning, then deleted the Snapchat app off my phone. It felt amazing because the past few weeks have been rough with constant overuse of my social apps which led to extreme anxiety. It is definitely not healthy to be looking at other people constantly throughout the day. While swimming laps, I had a constant feeling of distraction, feeling like I needed to check my phone, and that I needed to be somewhere when I did not. I was not living in the present moment at all. It’s crazy how much of an impact these things have over our lives.

Are we our past mistakes? It seems as though they can come back to haunt us at any moment. I try and say what I truly feel about my past when moments come up. I was so insecure and had a desperate need to fit in. The drinking culture is rampant where I’m from as I’m sure it is everywhere and no one bats an eye. Don’t get it wrong, I do enjoy drinking. I think it’s funny what our society chooses as drugs of choice and others which we shun for using certain drugs.

My point is that I use to drink heavily so that I could fit in and would basically make a fool of myself if it made me cool in the eyes of my peers, but on the inside I was drowning in my own mess without knowing how to get out. My whole life was based on insecurity that was bred from my childhood.

I feel that I never had true confidence in myself, a constant feeling of I can’t do that because I’ll fail, then what will people think of me, or what will I think of myself. It seems people are going to talk about people regardless of what we do. I do want to achieve great things, but I can’t tell if I want to do it to prove people wrong or if I want to do it for myself. Is either right or wrong?

I’ve definitely been depressed the past couple months. Waking up super late because I don’t have anything to do, then always criticizing myself for not doing enough, which in turn makes me want to go to sleep and hope it’s different when I wake up. I think I want to live a quiet life without putting all my shit out there for the world to know. I want to do it for myself, not for other’s validation. Is that what self-confidence is? Is there something wrong with me?

I enjoy the night time, there’s something peaceful about it. I wonder what my life has in store for me.