#12 - My Path

I sit here and think about myself and my life up to this point. Reflecting on what has been and how can I learn from it now? Is it even worth it? Am I looking at it correctly?

As I sit here, I can look at my life up to this point in two different ways. One is a failed sports career because every sport I’ve ever done I ended up stopping. 

That seems silly to me as the only reason I started doing these “sports” was to fill my time with things that I thought were productive or made me acceptable in other people’s eyes. 

I’m not sure that any physical feats are even my intended goal for my life. I do things because I enjoy them but usually I come to a point where I do not want to take part in those “sports” or activities anymore. I’m better off just telling people that I’ve never played sports in my life because the other answer is that I ended up stopping or for most of my life used “quitting” as what I did. Quitting seems like a destructive word because quitting to me is stopping something when you know you need to keep going and you give up. 

Quitting = Giving up to me. But you can’t quit something if you never actually wanted it for yourself in the first place but were doing the activity for someone else’s validation.

Another problem with my logic is putting emphasis on sports when in reality that isn’t what my path was. I am here now because of everything I have done leading up to this point.  

I don’t believe I need to validate myself based on this social dynamic that a person needs to play physical sports in order to prove he is a man. It makes no sense really. And even people who choose these manly feats for their life, even then it comes to an end. People retire and start something new. 

And if you are consistently trying new things than logistically speaking you are going to start and stop plenty of different adventures. Which is human nature really. So whose to say whether someone is quitting or beginning a new journey and ending one which did not serve them anymore?  

Whose to say? And I believe we can come to an understanding of that and accept that individual as they are. 

I can personally say I’ve talked to people who did things I was doing for 10-15 years that I did for a couple years and I love listening to their experience but not once when I actually thought about it did I say that I wish I was them.

I am happy with who I am now. Our earthly experience and physical feats seem so minuscule to me when I think about the larger picture. Maybe I’m wrong. I think our physical feats are great. But are they everything? You tell me. I am happy for everyone regardless.

It seems like there are a lot of people who are not under the scope of being “successful,” but who are we to define terms of success for others. It seems like a subjective term for me. 

I felt like a quitter and loser for a long time and that was because I put this pressure on myself to be a sports player. I wanted to be a football and baseball player and when I stopped I hadn’t really thought about life after. I did not know what it meant to work hard. Everything I had done was based on my God-given physical talent. 

That eventually came to a halt as it does for most people. For me it was a lot earlier than my original expectations and also not how I intended it to. And it really left me feeling worthless for a long time even sometimes now.

It also helps me when I talk to people who have similar stories and I realize these people are not losers. In fact they are smart people who have been through different and sometimes the same situations as myself. And what helps is when that person chooses to love you anyway even though you “think” you’re a loser. 

So anyway, now in my life I am trying to switch gears with my thinking. I do value my physical body and my ability to move and play sports and do different things I enjoy. But these physical activities are not the end all be all for myself. I usually look past that and is why I am going with writing. 

To somehow reach out to people who have similar stories as myself. I’m not sure I need to prove anything to anyone. Or do I? Maybe to myself.

Anyway, I’m going to Trader Joe’s. I am hungry. Have a great weekend.