#39 - Halloween 2019

I have been struggling lately. A few things have been on my mind that I cannot seem to shake. I go through periods of time feeling alone because it seems no one understands me.

I can be impatient, wanting a “Successful” life right now. I constantly think there will be this point when I have it all figured out, where it will all make sense. I even say I know that moment doesn’t exist, yet when I leave this computer it will haunt my mind.

I struggle with my eating habits. I tend to overeat. I starve myself. It is a vicious cycle I am working on.

I have extreme cases of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I’m not going to lie, at the moment, my life seems to suck. BUT I am embracing that suck and knowing there will come a time when I feel better. I feel little hope right now, on this Halloween day in 2019.

I haven’t been a big prayer guy in recent years and I’ve found myself recently saying small sentences to myself and God that could be considered prayer. I ask for a sign, but then I think, “How selfish of me?” I don’t need a grandiose sign to tell me their is some higher form of power here, right?”

Something about the word religion drives me the wrong way. It almost does the opposite effect. It has been so over used. I grew up in a Catholic school, but my parents never really forced that religion on me. It’s that the public schools in the New Orleans area suck. Growing up I went through a phase of dedication to Jesus Christ. I went to church every Saturday, believe it or not, and I read the rosary every night before my shower, and even put Jesus as my background on Myspace.

Now when I think back, it was all based out of fear that I’d go to hell. I would go to church and it’d be all white people over the age of 60, grasping for this desperation of hope that they would be saved. Maybe some were there for good reason.

If something resonates with me, I will follow that for as long as I see fit.

Something about Catholicism and Christianity as a whole does not resonate with me. I’ve tried, I’ve gone to Bible Study, Church, etc., and it does not feel right to me.

I will give you this, though, I do enjoy reading the Bible. I do love things about the Bible.

The craziest thing for me right now is that between two of my best friends, one is a Christian, and the other is becoming a Catholic priest. Crazy right.

A quote that has struck me recently, and I find myself going back to it is “Think for yourself.” And maybe not for everything because I know that I am not the smartest, and a lot of times I need help or advice so maybe thinking for myself might be saying “Hey I don’t know this, I better ask for help.”

My point is when it comes to the topics of religion, drugs, government, war, etc., maybe we should think for ourselves.

I just want to bring awareness to things and I enjoy expressing these thoughts on a platform where people can read themselves.

I want to love myself and others and try to help limit others people’s suffering as much as I can. That is easier said than done because I honestly am struggling helping myself, let alone others.