#27 - Dealing with Relationships

Thinking of a recent relationship has me flustered and misunderstood. Relationships happen. They come and go, and some say it’s the right person, just not the right time.

What if it’s always the right time? What other time exists? What if these relationships are meant to be just the way they are so your flaws can arise like a devil in a new dress? Now we have something to work on. Is that important? Realizing we have something to work on, and actually trying to work on them, not suppress them, just for them to show up 10, 20, 30 years later?

The best I can do is bring my flaws to the table and work on them. I fall into a trap of making excuses for myself. “Oh, I did this because of that.” “I got mad because that person didn’t act the way I wanted them to.” Excuses, excuses.

These flaws rise up through me in certain scenarios. Trust me, I am not proud of them and almost always could have acted better. Maybe it’s an underlying insecurity problem? Maybe it’s a jealousy problem? Or a fear of not being loved problem? Or feeling like I’m not enough problem? Is it a problem? An opportunity? Perhaps. Maybe it’s more complex than I can put into words?

This bothers me. I don’t want to be a jealous or insecure person, and just when I feel like I’m not, all hell breaks loose. I’m right back where I started.

It sucks and I don’t know what to do with it except work on it. How long do I reflect before it becomes dwelling? Does anyone have these answers or is everyone different? Or are we the same?

It seems we want answers but aren’t asking any questions, or asking the wrong ones. I’m constantly getting in my own way, feeling like I am not enough, not doing enough. Our society is work, work, work. Work hard and you’ll be this, work hard and you’ll achieve success. That’s the wrong work.

Shut the fuck up already. It seems like some bullshit agenda someone is forcing you to do.

Think for yourself. Question yourself, question everything. Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s moral and just because it’s illegal doesn’t mean it’s immoral.

Experience yourself through and through and stop letting people tell you what YOU should be doing all the time. Sure, I listen to people. I have a boss. I have people telling me what to do a lot, and part of me enjoys that structure, but don’t let it get so far out of hand that now you’re living someone else’s life based on a false illusion that they aren’t even living.

I’m out

Ben