#24 - Feeling Stuck

Here I am again, stuck in the middle. That is how I feel sometimes. There is a song by Mike Posner of the same name. I come across these songs that speak to me on a different level than most, but that is for a different post.

Today, I want to write to my lovers. I want to say that I am sorry, sorry for a lot of things. I realize that I was not the most understanding. I realize that I was not the best lover. I realize that I often did not love you the way you deserved to be loved. I realize that time has passed. I realize you are a human that needs love. We all are. I realize a lot. I want to say I did love all of you and those relationships played an important role in my life. The role of having and being a lover. I believe we are here on this planet to love. In many different forms.

Growing up, I was never taught how to love a woman wholeheartedly. Hell, I didn’t even know what that meant, and honestly, I’m not sure if I do now. I was raised to show women respect, sure, but never how to open myself to a woman and tell her the truth. I was not taught to listen to a woman and understand her. Not truly. To me, showing emotion was weakness, especially towards a woman. I was possessive, jealous, controlling, and many of the traits that I do not like in a person. I was that and still am, in part. These traits show up everywhere in my life. I’d be lying to myself if I said I could cure it.

I’m going through a difficult time now with a woman as I write this. These relationships are extremely difficult. I am aware of my flaws and working on them a day at a time. Communication is hard. It’s embarrassing to think I cannot appropriately be honest with a woman without quaking in my own skin.

I do not regret anything, but rather am eternally grateful for the opportunity to had shown you all love during those moments we shared in time. I want the best for all of you.

If any of you do read this, I want you all to know that I hold nothing negative in my heart towards you. It is not easy to write this. One, because I barely know how to type, and two, because it is hard to open myself up to this vulnerability. At this point, I am okay with it though. I do not want to shy away from putting myself out there.

I want to say thank you to all of you and I ask for forgiveness if you feel I have wronged you.

Love

Ben