#34 - Oh Man Oh Man

Oh Man, this life is weird

Living in a small town is a crazy thing

You run into all these people you’ve met over the years, all these thoughts lingering

I’m sitting close to someone I know right now

She doesn’t know I’m here, writing this down

I have not seen this person in a few years

It’s making me nervous

She’s with a lover, close to bringing me tears

Not tears of sadness, but rather joy

Pureness in my heart; Feelings I had as a boy

The name of my being is Ben

An identity so formal

Please excuse my existence

I am only normal

I am flawed

I am trying my hardest

To understand life

It can be the darnest

Enjoy this piece, maybe I’ll write some more

But for now… I’m washing ashore

#33 - Boom Boom Boom

What’s up people,

It’s Thursday and I’m feeling decent. I really want to grow my hair out long. I’ve always struggled in the patience aspect of it. I’d have it by now if I was not so crazy. Anyway, I think it’s cool to try out new looks regarding our hair, beard, mustache, etc.

For example, last year I shaved my head bald. It was awesome honestly and I’d definitely do it again. My head is sort of shaved at the moment, but I enjoy it that way as well. I’ve never had my hair really long so I’m interested to see if I can push past my own patience level.

Nothing crazy is happening in my life at the moment; I am trying to keep it low key. I tried to make some music yesterday with my friend Spencer and honestly it was hard. I had nothing prepared so technically we were free-styling, and it was fun, but I can see how it can be stressful. It definitely was not pretty on my end, but my Spencer Bean actually made a song.

At the end of the day, it’s fun to kick it with your friends and make music. Writing has been taking up a small chunk of my time at the moment and I’m cool with it. Sometimes I can put too much pressure on myself to do these things, writing, music, guitar, etc but that is what makes me do them. It can be a blessing and a curse. I definitely do want to overload because then I’ll struggle with all of them. Priorities definitely need to be in order as far as the arts go.

For example, me making music yesterday, I put so much pressure on myself to make a hit song that it seemed to hinder me from being open and fluid. Now, it’s hard to find that rhythm, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve experienced that flow state before in Jiu-Jitsu, so I know it exists.

Anyway, it’s cool and I’m looking forward to doing it again. Something else going forward is I’m looking to change up my physical training.

I’ve been training like a bodybuilder recently, and I love lifting weights, but I feel I need to change my approach to more athletic training. I’m not trying to be jacked, but I’m thinking I’ll lift heavy maybe once or twice a week then do more functional training the rest of the days.

Nutrition has been huge for me lately, I feel pretty good overall, I eat like crap here and there but for the most part I’m doing decent.

I do miss Colorado and looking forward to traveling more in the future. Like I’ve said before, I have some things I need to take care of, but, in due time.

I have shut my iPhone off and put it away in a drawer. I’m going to see how long I can go without it. I also put my headphones in the same drawer to experiment and hopefully push past my limits as far as the technology goes. I am looking to get a laptop which can cover all my basics including email, bank stuff, etc.

That’s enough from me today. I appreciate you all for reading. Take care and have a great weekend.

#32 - A Few Things

What’s up peeps,

I hope everyone is having a blessed Tuesday. I am doing well. I got a workout in earlier and ran in the sun for about 20 min, it felt amazing. The sun truly is magical, my God. I plan on going for a walk in the park after this.

I am fixated on the idea of rest at the moment. Something that keeps popping up is the idea of preparing for bed at night, having a healthy bedtime routine, examples include no screen time, reading a book versus looking at your phone, a cold shower, sleeping naked, etc. I am fascinated with it and will do more personal research on it myself.

I went to Best Buy to look at laptops because I am interested in buying one so I can write at home as well as at the library. I am also getting rid of my iPhone and would like a laptop so I can still connect online, as I believe it is not all bad. My concern regarding the iPhone is it’s just too much and I’ve experienced too much negativity with it, for now, at least.

I mean look around, does it seem normal to you that everyone has their head buried in their phone? It definitely has an effect on us socially, but we do not have enough long term evidence at the moment. I’m willing to bet it’s not good. We are not meant to be this connected and out of touch.

The iPhone is like a portal into the next phase of our existence which could be a chip injected into our neck at birth right after the circumcision, or new eyeballs given to us at some point, the possibilities are endless really. It could be anything, and that’s my guess.

I am obsessed with the idea of healing ourselves and truly taking care of ourselves. It seems to be on the up swing at the moment in our society because of years of suppressing how we feel. Our society does not allow us to go to individuals with our problems, we have to go see a therapist. No one wants to listen, including me sometimes. I believe we need to help each other out more. It seems the world can be selfish, which is fine, because after all, we are humans, flawed beyond our existence.

I enjoy the lifestyle of a bartender. It allows me, as a single man with no kids, the freedom to do things I enjoy doing, time wise and financially, at least for now. I have some things I need to take care of here in New Orleans but I plan on hitting the road once again once these things are taken care of. I love everyone here and will hold everyone in my heart.

Also, I’m wondering if college is worth it? I’m curious to know who designed the school system? And how they came up with that formula or system of teaching children? Having them walk into a bright room, similar to a jail cell, with rows of desks lined up next to each other. The teacher at the front of the classroom like a dictator, having kids fear for their lives if they make a mistake, in order to instill some sort of discipline over the kid? Grammar school, high school, college, that’s the system, for everyone. I’m not sure it is the most efficient or beneficial, and who’s to say it’s for everybody? We force people to go to at least grammar school, mostly high school, and luckily we’re not forced into college, but it’s marketed to us that in order to be successful, we must attend college. I went and am a product of the system, in college debt that I won’t pay back for a long while, and seemingly a bullshit degree that carries a little bit of worth, maybe. I’ll dive deeper into this on another post.

A person I have been listening to recently is Charles Eisenstein. He is a writer, author, philosopher, and many other cool things. I specifically listened to him on the Duncan Trussell podcast, twice, on two separate episodes. Duncan, if you somehow read this, thank you man. Your podcast is a form of therapy for me and I listen to it because your thoughts and ideas resonate with me. I found you a few years ago on JRE, obviously, but now, have been listening to you and your friend Shane Mauss a good bit. I think you all are on to something with your ideas and beliefs, and I only want to show support. Thank you.

Love & Joy

Ben

#31 - What is Anxious?

Hello,

I am feeling human today.

I am on week two of having a flip phone and am enjoying the experience. I still have the iPhone but can only use it on wi-fi, basically like an iPad, but am looking forward to getting rid of it completely.

I have some other materials I am looking to give away as well, including a sleeping bag and a blanket. I’m going to give them to a homeless person.

I was extremely anxious today, basically all day, since getting up, which was late because I worked last night and was exhausted from the last week. I tried some new sleeping habits, including sleeping on the floor, and some others that I’ll explain after more research.

Some rules I’m going to implement for social media is that I can only check them on a computer and not on a phone. I actually checked Instagram and Facebook on the library computer before writing this and honestly do not feel good after scrolling through these accounts. They seem to feed my anxiety.

That feeling seems to be coming from a few things, including comparing myself to these people I follow, feeling like I am not enough, feeling like my life is not as glamorous as some, and overall a feeling that I am doing things wrong, or that I am a failure, which are obviously only feelings and feelings that are not true, but not good to feel nonetheless, especially because they can be avoided.

One of my buddies told me to change my perspective on the matter, and I can see where he’s coming from, but I know when I go long periods of time without checking, I feel clear headed and don’t have those thoughts I mentioned in the previous paragraph.

I feel myself getting more creative, coming up with cool ideas, and not overthinking, when I remain off my iPhone for extended periods of time. That’s my perspective on the matter at least.

I think love has an important role. I gravitate towards the message of people like Aubrey Marcus, Duncan Trussell, Shane Mauss, Ram Dass, and more. Their message, to me, seems to be about accepting yourself, surrendering to the universe, healing yourself, loving yourself, and loving others, to name a few.

I am also interested in psychedelics. They seem to be on the up swing at the moment in some circles and I gravitate towards their message as well.

I love the idea of these messages being about healing one’s self and loving themselves and loving others. That seems to be a fundamental message in our universe. Love others as yourself. A lot of teachings gravitate towards that message, so it seems.

I notice we all have trauma or suffering that needs to be worked on by ourselves. I love that and am willing to do that work. I have messed up a million times over, and from my understanding, it seems we all have. I notice people talking about others and can even take part in that myself, but it frustrates me and I do not want to be that person speaking on other’s doings because to me we are all the same, occupying this Earth as one being in this infinite universe that we cannot understand fully.

I love the idea of surrendering and letting go of who we are. Plenty of times I wrap myself up in an identity of a guy who does jiu-jitsu, or a guy who works out, or the guy from the boot, the guy who is a hard worker, or this or that, when those identities aren’t real. I’m not even Ben, that’s only a name my parents gave me. We are beings inhabiting this planet with no real explanation of why we are here. Sure, we have our beliefs of this or that, but no one has the answer. Is slaving away at a job the answer? Is comparing yourself to others based on material objects the answer? I sure hope not to both of those questions. All I want is to bring some sort of awareness to these types of behaviors, and at the least, to my generation of 20 something’s.

I am so hard on myself that I beat myself into the ground and it seems to be doing more harm than good and I think others feel the same. Everyone is trying to play this card that they’re this hard worker and have their head on straight, I believe this and won’t tolerate this, I can’t be friends with them, having a retirement, get a stable job, and you need to be doing this, and blah blah blah. It’s all a lie. We are in a system that seems to be designed for us to act this way. Look outside the box. These are all rules and institutions designed by people. Some good and some bad. I’m not saying it’s wrong, I’m just saying it exists and maybe we can look at things from different angles sometimes.

That’s all for me today.

Love & Joy

Ben

#30 - Flushing Nicotine Baby

If you are having trouble quitting cigarettes or e-cigarettes, try this:

• Mix a tbsp of cream of tar tar into a 8-16 oz glass of water with one packet of Emergen-C and do this for up to 20 days, preferably at night before bed.

• Cream of Tar Tar can be purchased at your nearest grocery store and Emergen-C can be purchased at your nearest grocery/drug store.

That is all for today. Enjoy your week. Also, if anyone knows someone who can help me with my taxes, I am in need of getting them in order. Thank you.

#29 - Friday Friday

Happy Friday,

I hope you are enjoying this day.

I have some ideas I am experimenting with, including the switch over to a sleeping bag versus a mattress, giving my mattress and iPhone away, using my new flip phone, spending more time with people I care about, and a few more fun ideas.

I picked up a couple books from the library, one is an autobiography by Paul Allen, one of the co-founders of Microsoft, and another book is To Be A Man, by Robert Augustus Masters. I’m about 25 pages in the former and 5 in the latter.

I’m also currently 24 hours in on having a flip phone, and think I can pull it off. The ladies do love it; I have to admit.

Reflecting on the last few posts, I realize my writings are more like a journal entry than anything and I’m okay with that. That is where I feel my writing is right now, and I enjoy it, after all, it is my life and only I know what it’s like to be Ben.

My typing is coming along. I still struggle with looking at the keyboard, but baby steps is my approach.

That’s all for today, thank you for reading and don’t be afraid to reach out.

Ben

#28 - Phones, Recovery, and Eating

Hello Lovers,

Today, I took a leap into the past and bought a flip phone. I know I know, I’m such a rebel; who let me off the leash? I feel good about it, a good way to describe the feeling is light. Like a little weight that has been taken off. A portal to freedom, if you will.

My intent is to experiment without the constant anxiousness of reaching for my iPhone. I’m ready for the challenge, but do not want to be the guy, “Oh, look at me being a rebel. Ladies, let me get your number.” *Wink*

That’s not the point, but rather to uncover how much time is actually wasted scrolling through my phone instead of dealing with myself in those quiet moments of desperation.

Last night was the last straw. I was extremely upset, and on my way to work found myself putting a podcast on when I should have kept the drive silent and dealt with what I had going on. I had made up my mind before that incident but that sealed the deal for me and today I went to the Sprint store.

I didn’t overthink it, not because they only sold one flip phone, but I knew what my intent was and I wasn’t leaving that store without my flippy. Yes, that’s what I’ll call her, flippy.

So here I am, at the library, typing this with my beautiful lover, flippy, next to me.

In other news, my next endeavor is to buy a sleeping bag and give my twin sized mattress and sheets to a homeless person. If anyone has a truck and would like to accompany me on this journey please reach out. I’m not even sure anyone actually knows that this website exists, but it’s worth a shot.

I’m pushing to go as fully minimalist as possible. I simply enjoy the challenge of being a minimalist in a materialistic society, in hopes that I can use that extra energy towards others and not attaching myself to physical objects that truly do not matter.

Also in other news, I hurt my back trying to dead lift 315 lbs yesterday with my brother Ryan. He is strong as an ox and truthfully kinda looks like one too. So, I’m working on recovering from that.

I’ve been shopping at Trader Joe’s recently and buying these veggie chips with Trader Joe’s guacamole and it is an awesome snack and I still feel light and ready to rock after eating a good bit. I’ve really been working on my nutrition lately, simply just eating real food, and limiting the stuff from a box. A good bit of mixed veggies, spinach, solid trail mix, some green juices, eggs, chicken, sweet potatoes, some sort of berries, and of course the chips and guac for a snack.

I’ve struggled with eating my whole life. Overeating, under eating then starving myself, and plainly just eating bad food, and a lot of it. I’m still working on it, don’t get me wrong, I’m far from making these patterns habitual yet, but I’m trying. It’s hard for me to turn down brownies still.

Gun to my head, how many brownies could I eat? 40 at least… not joking.

I’ve known I had a problem for a while now, but a recent gorging really hit home with me. While I was in Colorado, I was working in a kitchen, which sucks when you know you have a problem, but I dealt with it. Anyway, one day, I was shoving food down my throat and simultaneously telling myself that I hated myself and knew I was not hungry, but that hand kept shoving mac & cheese down my gullet and I could feel the hatred for myself.

Eating was my comfort, whenever I’m sad, eat, whenever I want to forget, eat. I’ve been that way forever, but I am conscious of it and am continuously working on it.

That’s enough from me today. I hope you all enjoyed this. I plan on making these more a journal style of writing. I do enjoy it and look forward to putting my words on paper (or screen).

Love & Joy

Ben

#27 - Dealing with Relationships

Thinking of a recent relationship has me flustered and misunderstood. Relationships happen. They come and go, and some say it’s the right person, just not the right time.

What if it’s always the right time? What other time exists? What if these relationships are meant to be just the way they are so your flaws can arise like a devil in a new dress? Now we have something to work on. Is that important? Realizing we have something to work on, and actually trying to work on them, not suppress them, just for them to show up 10, 20, 30 years later?

The best I can do is bring my flaws to the table and work on them. I fall into a trap of making excuses for myself. “Oh, I did this because of that.” “I got mad because that person didn’t act the way I wanted them to.” Excuses, excuses.

These flaws rise up through me in certain scenarios. Trust me, I am not proud of them and almost always could have acted better. Maybe it’s an underlying insecurity problem? Maybe it’s a jealousy problem? Or a fear of not being loved problem? Or feeling like I’m not enough problem? Is it a problem? An opportunity? Perhaps. Maybe it’s more complex than I can put into words?

This bothers me. I don’t want to be a jealous or insecure person, and just when I feel like I’m not, all hell breaks loose. I’m right back where I started.

It sucks and I don’t know what to do with it except work on it. How long do I reflect before it becomes dwelling? Does anyone have these answers or is everyone different? Or are we the same?

It seems we want answers but aren’t asking any questions, or asking the wrong ones. I’m constantly getting in my own way, feeling like I am not enough, not doing enough. Our society is work, work, work. Work hard and you’ll be this, work hard and you’ll achieve success. That’s the wrong work.

Shut the fuck up already. It seems like some bullshit agenda someone is forcing you to do.

Think for yourself. Question yourself, question everything. Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s moral and just because it’s illegal doesn’t mean it’s immoral.

Experience yourself through and through and stop letting people tell you what YOU should be doing all the time. Sure, I listen to people. I have a boss. I have people telling me what to do a lot, and part of me enjoys that structure, but don’t let it get so far out of hand that now you’re living someone else’s life based on a false illusion that they aren’t even living.

I’m out

Ben

#26 - Material Minimalism

I listened to a book a few years ago that changed my life for the better. This book gave me a new perspective on how I view “things.” That book is Goodbye, Things: The New Japanese Minimalism by Fumio Sasaki.

I listened to the book on Audible, which is also a great streaming service, but for a later article. Anyway, during the first day of listening, I found myself giving away trash bags of useless things I had laying around my house. You know what? It felt amazing, like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Next, I found myself questioning whether I truly needed something before purchasing it. Something I still do to this day. I am here merely to suggest the book, as my words will not truly do it justice. I am fascinated with the idea of minimalism, as we live in a society full of MATERIALISM based on a false sense of insecurity.

Advertisements will tell you, “Buy our product, and see how your life will change for the better,” or “You won’t be happy until you have this in your home.”

Sound familiar?

The people creating these ads are doing this on purpose. It is a marketing strategy to get people to buy their product. It is a lie. They are feeding off your sense of self-worth like a leech sucking your blood. These ads are blasted in our face at every turn through TV, social media, and any media outlet for that matter. It is a lie.

Sure, there are awesome companies out there and some that I support. All I’m saying is do your own research beforehand and do not let these companies consume or destroy your sense of self based on a material object.

#25 - Into Some Trouble

Hello to all. I wanted to share some things going on in my life at the moment. I seem to have gotten myself into some trouble, but will not share the full details on here. Just know it is extremely stressful, but not something I cannot handle.

I heard something recently about the effects of listening to the 432 Hz frequency. I am currently listening to it as I write this. It is a beautiful tone and said to have healing powers. I still have some experimenting to do. I’d like to listen to it alone while not focusing on a task, which I may try tonight. I say do not take my word for it but try it for yourself. It is on Spotify, just type in “432 Hz,” and it should come up. I am not sure if it is on Apple Music, but I believe it is on Youtube.

Some people I have been listening to are Duncan Trussell and Shane Mauss. Both together on a podcast and separately on their own podcasts along with their comedy. Duncan’s podcast is called Duncan Trussell Family Hour, and Shane’s podcast is called Here We Are. You can find both of those in the podcast app on your iPhone. Not sure where to go if you have an Android, but it should not be hard to find.

A musician I have been listening to recently is Mike Posner. He has some beautiful music which can be found on Spotify and should be on Apple Music. I listened to his music years ago, and recently through a podcast with Aubrey Marcus on Aubrey’s podcast titled, “The Aubrey Marcus Podcast.” You can type in AMP #197 on Safari, Youtube, or the podcast app and it should come up. He starts the podcast off by singing his song, “Stuck in the Middle,” and I literally started crying halfway through. It resonated with me to my core and after I felt a sense of relief and joy. His story is awesome and can give some perspective into how money, cars, clothes, fame, etc are just material objects and create an illusion of happiness.

On Saturday, I took my first hot yoga class at Yes, Yoga in New Orleans, Louisiana on Oak Street. The link to their website schedule is http://yesyoganola.co/schedule/ and you should be able to sign up from there. I do not remember our instructor’s name, but she was a beautiful woman and extremely helpful, patient, and kind.

I am interested in meeting with people over some coffee or a place where you feel comfortable and basically just have a conversation. It could be about anything, the point is to get together, share some ideas, life stories, etc in hopes of simply connecting with other human beings. It can be hard now a days to communicate in real life because of technology, schedules, etc but it has been an important tool in keeping me grounded and peaking my curiosity. I enjoy listening to others and sharing trials and tribulations because we all have them and I believe we are all in this together. Not to fight, argue, or hate, but to love. If you’re interested, please reach out through text or Instagram.

Thank you for reading,

Ben

#24 - Feeling Stuck

Here I am again, stuck in the middle. That is how I feel sometimes. There is a song by Mike Posner of the same name. I come across these songs that speak to me on a different level than most, but that is for a different post.

Today, I want to write to my lovers. I want to say that I am sorry, sorry for a lot of things. I realize that I was not the most understanding. I realize that I was not the best lover. I realize that I often did not love you the way you deserved to be loved. I realize that time has passed. I realize you are a human that needs love. We all are. I realize a lot. I want to say I did love all of you and those relationships played an important role in my life. The role of having and being a lover. I believe we are here on this planet to love. In many different forms.

Growing up, I was never taught how to love a woman wholeheartedly. Hell, I didn’t even know what that meant, and honestly, I’m not sure if I do now. I was raised to show women respect, sure, but never how to open myself to a woman and tell her the truth. I was not taught to listen to a woman and understand her. Not truly. To me, showing emotion was weakness, especially towards a woman. I was possessive, jealous, controlling, and many of the traits that I do not like in a person. I was that and still am, in part. These traits show up everywhere in my life. I’d be lying to myself if I said I could cure it.

I’m going through a difficult time now with a woman as I write this. These relationships are extremely difficult. I am aware of my flaws and working on them a day at a time. Communication is hard. It’s embarrassing to think I cannot appropriately be honest with a woman without quaking in my own skin.

I do not regret anything, but rather am eternally grateful for the opportunity to had shown you all love during those moments we shared in time. I want the best for all of you.

If any of you do read this, I want you all to know that I hold nothing negative in my heart towards you. It is not easy to write this. One, because I barely know how to type, and two, because it is hard to open myself up to this vulnerability. At this point, I am okay with it though. I do not want to shy away from putting myself out there.

I want to say thank you to all of you and I ask for forgiveness if you feel I have wronged you.

Love

Ben

#23 - Back In New Orleans

Damn it feels good to be back. This summer was definitely eventful. Filled with new people and adventures.

Something I work on continuously is learning to love myself. Loving because we exist, not for anything more or less. To continue loving even when it feels as though the world is turning against us. Which it is not. It’s actually the opposite.

I am working on a few projects at the moment. These include writing on here, playing guitar, and sharpening my typing skills. And by sharpening, I mean learning. I am also interested in doing stand-up comedy. I’m looking into some open mic nights here in New Orleans.

I met some beautiful people this summer and hopefully I run into them again. Maybe in my next post I can explain more about my journey to Colorado this past summer. I’m going to keep it short. I love you all and if anyone wants help with anything, do not be afraid to reach out.

Peace & Love

#22 - Cleaning Bathrooms

Hello to you reading this. I had the idea to write on here. I know it’s been a while. I am in Colorado on basically a commune.

I’m cleaning the bathrooms in the morning and working the lunch and dinner shifts in the kitchen.

The place is called Perry-Mansfield. It is a dance and theatre camp for kids ranging from middle school to high school. There was also a college program at the beginning of summer and one at the end in August.

It is an interesting place filled with great people. We are working a lot which is cool. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how much work I’d be doing or how it was going to be done before I came here.

I kept my mind as open as possible. It is definitely a new environment for me because I had never been in the mountains before this summer, and dance and theatre is not something I’ve ever dipped my toes in until now. I’m only watching and observing as I am not taking any of the classes.

I am grateful for the opportunity to be here and I’m even thinking of coming back next year if they allow me.

Something interesting going on here right now is a bear keeps breaking into the kitchen at night and a few staff members are trying to prevent it from happening further.

Anyway, I hope you are doing well.

I love you Mom, Dad, and Bryan.

♥️

#21 - Fleeing Emotions

I haven’t written in a couple of weeks. I hope everyone is doing well. Right now I am sitting on the steps of my cabin listening to Aaron cut the grass and watching Brandon clean up his bikes. I just got finished with the lunch shift and feeling pretty good.

Something I have noticed about a new place is that it may not bring you happiness, and rather it’s something we create for ourselves. And it can falter with having pre-existing expectations.

I have been in Colorado for about three weeks and it’s hard emotionally. It’s throwing yourself in a new environment and meeting loads of new people, which can be challenging.

It’s almost like you need to put on a performance at first to come off as a happy individual. I’ll tell you, I’ve felt just as lonely here as I have at home.

I’ve also been filled with gratitude just as equally. It seems to be a roller coaster of emotions.

I think what I’m trying to say is I’ve struggled with trying to feel happy. I’ve noticed happiness is a fleeing emotion.

But I think getting out of your comfort and meeting new people is a key part of learning about yourself in the long run.

Its an interesting ride filled with self-doubt and insecurity but I think that is where we can build a sense of confidence in ourselves.

I’ve noticed that washing dishes and cleaning toilets can make you feel less than you are, but also makes me realize I do not want to do this forever.

There are a lot of inspirational people here at this camp and I love it. There are people here choosing dance, theatre, song writing, and more of the like for their careers. All I see in that is beauty. Even as people that are not choosing the conventional lifestyle, they still have extreme challenges, if not more than the average person. And all I say to that is, beautiful.

Being in nature is definitely something that can help me and others appreciate the true beauty of the world.

I hope you all are doing well and take care.

Love

Ben

#20 - Oh Now Oh Now

People always ask me, “What do you want to do with your life?” Here’s what I say…

Live for now.

I’m on a path of starting new adventures right now, at the age of 24. I am not on this journey for money but for experience.

Money will come later. Maybe it won’t. Fuck it. I’m not looking that far ahead.

Don’t get me wrong. I have my own moral code that I will not break. I have goals that I want to achieve. I want things for myself in the future.

But, I believe worrying about the future too much, distracts my focus away from this moment, in turn, hurting my future.

I trust myself. So I say…

Bring it.

♥️

#19 - Living in Colorado

I hope everyone is doing well. I am on day 3 of many in Colorado. It is beautiful out here and definitely a sight to see. The mountains are huge and gorgeous.

I went to my first dispensary yesterday. It was a cool experience for sure. We were a little rushed but it was cool.

I bought a vape pen to start with. I noticed I enjoy the work out here more when I take a couple hits from the vape pen. Being a little high makes me value the work I’m doing and be grateful that I’m able to do it. I also want to work harder for the mere fact that my work reputation is always on the line. I love working hard at whatever that may be, sometimes.

The work I’m doing out here is a lot of cleaning and some painting, at least for now. I’ve noticed it takes me all day to do it, which is great. It’s all outside and is definitely an honest days work.

I met a friend out here, named Michael. He’s a cool dude and we share a lot of interests. It’s nice to meet a friend or anyone for that matter out here. It is an extremely intimate setting. You’re working hard with someone out here in the woods on a ranch, basically.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to work and meet a bunch of brand new people. I encourage anyone to be open to opportunities that may be out of your comfort zone, like choosing a new place to live for a while.

Anyway, I love you all. I may see you in a couple months, I may not.

Love

Ben

#18 - Twilight Zone

I hope everyone is doing well. I wanted to talk about a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu session that I just got done training in. It was awesome. It was intense. Everything is important when it comes to training for something, especially the jits. Focus is everything.

It seems I was able to focus well in that environment because there were no distractions and that can be crucial for a jits training environment. There are different types of focus. For some things, we need to learn how to focus while a lot of extracurriculars are happening around us.

Writing is hard. There are many distractions. I don’t want to write this, but am forcing myself to write. I know I need to do it.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you something that helps me focus through Jiu-Jitsu and that is…

A little THC. Yep, you got that right, a little weed. I hit a little weed pen, as they call it. Just twice and I enter into the twilight zone.

I suggest supplementing it into your life. Almost like you’d take a vitamin every day.

It helps to see things clearly and love people openly. It sheds us of our Earthly ego and we realize just how silly and insecure we are.

We are always judging ourselves and others. We are always comparing ourselves to others. That’s not real. We cannot compare ourselves to other people because logically it doesn’t make sense.

Others have been through extremely different journeys, but also similar as well. It’s a paradox really but it’s beautiful, and by no means because it’s similar is that a reason to compare ourselves. We are human. We fuck up. That’s what we do.

A little THC will help us accept ourselves for our fuck ups but also be optimistic and grateful for everything that we’ve been given. Most importantly, this chance at life.

Parts of this country is getting on board with the whole weed thing. And I say it’s about time. I’m not going to lie. I get a little paranoid down here in New Orleans when I am high. It’s a scary place.

There are criminals lurking the streets and cops put people in jail for having a little weed. You realize you need to get out for a little bit, but you love your family so dearly. It’s not an easy place to live. There are different forces working against each other down here. But somehow it can be beautiful.

I love you all.

All I’m saying is a little bit of weed does the heart good. And we need to start taking notice of that.

Anything can be abused, I’m aware of that, even weed. But Cindy who smokes a pack of cigarettes a day, eats Wendy’s six days a week, and drinks coke her whole life shouldn’t have anything to say to Randy who likes to smoke a little weed, train some Jiu Jitsu, then hit the park for some sun, and maybe the library for some books.

Lick my nuts Cindy.

I love you all. Have a great week.

#17 - Bricks at the Park

I sit here at the park reminiscing on my life and how far I’ve come since I was young.

I stumbled upon these bricks engraved with names of people who have passed. Some lived a long life, and others only a few days. 

Regardless of what I believe, something in me wanted to say a prayer for these souls and for their family still remaining on this planet. 

I see some people, including myself, wander around this planet like we are going to live forever. It seems we are scared to admit the opposite.

Death is an ultimate truth, at least in this realm.

There is a beauty in that, though. I’m lucky enough to write this as you’re lucky enough to read it. I believe we need to put ourselves in situations that allow us to reflect and be grateful more often. It seems this day in age you can go a while without actually thinking of your death.

When I think about my death, I realize that TIME is our currency. And it’s living beings we need to love. Not money, cars, clothes, or any of the like. 

I’m on a mission to love myself, so that in turn, I can love others to the best of my ability.

I’m realizing that simplicity may be the lock and we are the key. The door is the distractions of life, and on the other side is love. 

Love

Ben

#16 - Going for a Drive

I hope everyone is feeling good. I’m writing this at about 10pm. I had a few hours today where I was feeling a little low. I went for a drive to clear my head for about 2 hours and I’m just getting home. I feel a lot better. I believe it’s important to spend time alone.

My buddy gave me some advice about helping others. I realized I had 5 dollars in my wallet and an unopened water bottle in my bag.

I drove into New Orleans close to one of my buddies house just to enjoy the vibe. I realized there was a homeless man at the corner by a red light.

I grabbed the 5 dollars out of my wallet and the bottle from my bag and proceeded to get them ready to give to the man.

I pulled up and handed to the man as he was turned away. He turned around and I had the items in my hand and asked him if he wanted them. He said, “God Bless you man I love you.”

As I drove off and a little now as I’m writing this, I started to cry and realized how fortunate we are to be who we are. I was really upset with myself for the things I take for granted but came to acceptance of myself for who I am and what I’ve been through. I felt an overwhelming sense that everything was going to be okay. I still feel that way and I think even as men sometimes we need to find time to ourselves and if we need to cry then we need to cry.

I was truly flustered most of the day but now I am feeling a lot better. Thank you all for reading.

Love

Ben

#15 - Internal Thoughts

Hello everyone,

I hope you all are doing well. I sit here and I feel great. I had a couple conversations today that grounded me and made me think. I enjoy topics and conversations that require brain power.

However, earlier in the day I was a little shaken up. I had said something jokingly to someone I care about. When I reflected on it, I realized how maybe that person on the receiving end could have misinterpreted what I was saying and I had a sour feeling in my gut.

I sent out a message to make sure everything was alright. It was. I was overthinking.

That situation made me think about myself and how easy it is to just say something. Literally, we can say whatever we want. It takes some thinking, being open, and maybe some restricting to fully convey our thoughts.

It’s absolutely mind-boggling to me our ability to speak and also understand language. We make noises with our throat box. It’s a pretty powerful thing but can be destructive for sure. I’d like to just bring awareness to our ability to speak and understand. I think it’s beautiful and part of how I’m able to write these words you’re reading right now.

But to get back, I was feeling a little uneasy about what I said. So, I sent a message out, went out in the sun, did some breathing, drank some water and also helped my mom for 15 minutes.

After that I truly did feel better internally and was able to center myself and control my thoughts a little better. Those are practices I’ve experimented with over the past year or so and I know I can use them when I’m feeling off about something I said or did.

I love you all. I hope you have a great week.

Ben